Lies I Told Myself
by ilovetvalot
Summary: Follows the oneshot, "Not Without A Fight". This will be a five chapter story. What happens when Hotch finds Emily? Co-auth'd w/ tonnie2001969.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N – This story follows the oneshot, "Not Without A Fight". It will be a three chapter piece. Please, let me know what you think…even if you tell me to go back to my original ship. I appreciate all the reviews that readers have taken the time to send. It means a lot to receive reader feedback. As ever, I don't own Criminal Minds.**

**Lies I Told Myself**

The sun was just dawning on the horizon as Hotch pulled his grey sedan into the parking lot of Emily's upscale apartment building. Sighing as he shoved the car into park, he took a moment to study the building in front of him. Inside that modern looking structure was the woman he loved. And, he had a sneaking suspicion that even as he sat there, she was hardening her heart against him. He didn't have any time to waste. But until he could breathe normally again, he knew anything he said would be verbalized in an incoherent, babbling mass of words. And he wanted to be clear. Crystal clear. Because this wasn't a time when he wanted any doubt about what he was saying. He couldn't afford for there to be any misconceptions. The cost would be way too high.

Taking another deep breath, he grinned derisively. Now, this was ironic. He could navigate a dangerous hostage situation without flinching, but the idea of baring his soul to one tiny woman was enough to send him into a near panic. Hell, he had all the markers. Erratic breathing, sweaty trembling hands. He was worse than a teenage boy. And all he had to do was tell her how he really felt. No big deal. Not for a normal emotionally healthy person. But, he was anything but. And he knew it.

His options were limited, however. Either he could lose her to his own inability to express his feelings or he could swallow his pride and put what was left of his heart on the line. Reaching for the door handle, he knew his decision had been made as soon as she'd walked out of his apartment. Losing Emily Prentiss because of his own fear was never going to be an option. He'd spent years lying to himself about his feelings for her. And months lying to her about what he wanted. Was he truly stupid enough to think that she'd be indefinitely satisfied with the crumbs he had offered? She deserved better. He could give her more. Hell, he'd give her everything he had left. If she'd just try for them. If she'd just forgive him enough to let him in. If she'd allow him to repair what he'd shattered.

But somewhere in the back of his mind, he knew that he might have committed an unpardonable sin in her eyes. And he didn't even know what it was.

Striding toward the building, he glanced at his watch. 4:35. She couldn't have been here long. He'd cleared his apartment door within minutes of her. Glancing over his shoulder, he spotted her blue Prius in the lot. Good. At least he knew she was inside.

Walking toward her first floor door, he felt tension build in his spine. Stopping in front of 4A, he stared at the heavy oak door in front of him. This was it. It all came down to whatever was said over the next several minutes. "Please God, let me channel just a little of Rossi's eloquence right now," he begged silently. "I can't fail. Not this time. Not with this woman."

Raising his hand, he knocked solidly against the wood, its sound echoing in the empty corridor. Dropping his hand, he waited, listening closely for a stirring on the other side of the door. Hearing nothing, he raised his arm again, knocking louder and calling softly, "Emily, I know you're in there. Open the door."

Clenching his jaw as he impatiently waited again, he heard nothing save the whir from the air vents above him blowing warm air into the hallway. Fishing in his pocket for his keys, he quickly sorted hers from the rest on his chain and gave himself a mental pat on the back for insisting that the team exchange keys in case of emergency. He'd never expected to use it for this reason, but desperate times called for desperate measures. And he was quickly becoming a very desperate man. Leaning toward the door, he warned, "Emily, I'm using my key."

As he prepared to insert the metal into the lock, the door opened, revealing her wan face. She was as beautiful as ever, her alabaster skin almost glowing in the lamplight. Heart sinking as he got a look at the resolution in her eyes, her first words to him were no more encouraging than her face.

"Go home, Hotch."


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N - Up next, Hotch/Prentiss devotees, the confrontation. Hope you are all enjoying the story. Please drop a line and let me know your thoughts. As ever, I don't own Criminal Minds.**

**Lies I Told Myself**

**Chapter 2**

She'd driven way too fast on the ride home, her emotions lending to her leaden foot. It was a bad habit she'd picked up during her teenage years on foreign roads lacking any American-style speed limits. Only in those days, it had only been an overbearing mother that she'd been trying to escape.

Now, it was the pain of a doomed love affair.

She never thought she'd yearn for those awkward, uncertain days in countless countries around the world with only her distant parents for company. But, compared to where she was now, that time actually seemed quite pleasant. At least then she'd been able to hide out in her room with her Bangles CDs and chocolate chip cookies, the pop lyrics and carbs able to solve almost any problem her teenage heart could imagine, fading them into a blurry haze easily forgotten.

But now, years and maturity had taught her that those idyllic moments were over. Now, her heartache was going to be in front of her every day, the memories of her time with Aaron Hotchner taunting her. Now, her mind could not be as easily swayed, no longer fooled into a false sense of security. The adult Emily, supposedly much wiser and smarter, knew that these last few months had been permanently ingrained into her mind with an indelible marker.

Frowning, she pushed her Prius into park and twisted the key violently in the ignition, killing the engine. Damn it! Why had she lied to herself for so long? Why had she let herself believe that maybe, in time, he'd learn to love her? Where was that wisdom that supposedly came with these years of maturity? Why had it failed her?

Because she had been a damn fool, that's why. She had chosen to pack those niggling pangs of warning into a locked box in her mind, shoving them in quickly and slamming the door before they could sneak out.

But no more.

Stomping her way into her apartment, she shoved open the door and dropped her bag on the granite counter, ignoring the feeling of emptiness that seemed to pervade the echoing room. Telling herself that she might as well get accustomed to it again, she reminded herself harshly that this was one lesson that was definitely going to be etched in stone, never to be forgotten.

She'd seen the light. Or rather, she'd heard the word. She realized now that Aaron Hotchner couldn't change. He'd never allowed himself to get over his ex-wife. And in light of tonight's evidence, it appeared he never would. And that hurt with a pain that seemed to be steadily increasing, an almost tangible pressure in her inner being. This was worse than anything her parents had ever done or said, and their words had cut more than she chose to admit. Worse than when she'd had an abortion. Worse than anything. It was saying a lot.

Because Emily Prentiss was no stranger to pain. Sometimes, it seemed like her entire life had been spent dealing with it in one form or another. But, she thought with a shake of her dark head as she stared out at the haloing Capitol in the distance, she also wasn't a whiner. Things were what they were. And if she couldn't change something, she worked her way around it. She'd do what she always did. She'd raise her shields and fortify herself against the deluge of emotion that was washing over her.

It had worked for her before, hadn't it? When in doubt, Emily had learned to resort to the tried and true methods that never failed her. What she did not acknowledge could not hurt her.

Or could it?

Dropping on to her soft couch, she eyed the door. She half expected Aaron to show up at any moment, demanding answers in that terse way of his, his desire to solve the puzzle seemingly driving his actions. Shaking her head at the fanciful thought, she frowned then, a thought trying to niggle it's way into the front of her mind.

If Aaron Hotchner showed up, might that actually mean he cared? That what had happened between them meant more than just a few stolen nights in each other's arms?

Shaking her head, she forced that thought to the far recesses of her mind, slamming the door once again. They both knew that wasn't the case. He'd said so. His damn warning in the beginning…that cautionary mandate that she'd ignored told her as much.

This was her own fault. This is what happened when she let her guard down. Hadn't the past taught her anything? How could she have forgotten those deeply ingrained lessons from her childhood, even for a moment? But she'd use those lessons now. She'd pull out that impersonal impassive mask and firmly affix it to her face this time.

No one was getting in. Not again.

Frowning, Emily jerked her head toward the door as she heard a short staccato rap at the front door. No. He couldn't be here.

But even as she had the thoughts, she knew who was at that door. She knew him. "Go home, Aaron. Please just go," she breathed, holding her body perfectly still. She heard herself actually mumble outloud to the silent room, "I'm not strong enough for this, not yet."

But the man outside the wooden barrier was nothing if not persistent. Like everything he did, he was methodical in his task, and a simple pin and tumbler lock was no true challenge for a man of Aaron Hotchner's caliber.

"Emily, I'm using my key," she heard his deep voice warn, and she felt her body draw taught at the sound of his words, goose bumps rising along her chilled skin.

"Shit," she muttered, steeling her spine as she forced herself to clear her mind. Whether she was ready or not, Hotch was determined to have a reckoning. Pushing off the couch, she moved slowly toward the door, resting her hand against the cool wood as she gathered herself, trying to raise those protective barriers into place. Emotions had no place in this situation anymore, and she was going to be the calm, collected Emily Prentiss that she prided herself on being.

Hearing his keys jingle in the hallway, she laid her hand against the metal doorknob as she heard his key hit the lock.

Opening the door carefully, she stared up at him with what she prayed were blank eyes and said the only thing that might preserve what was left of her tightly held composure.

"Go home, Hotch."


	3. Chapter 3

**Lies I Told Myself**

**Chapter 3**

"Go home, Hotch," Emily said tiredly, trying to close the door on him. She simply couldn't deal with this right now. The initial thrill of knowing he'd come to her had faded quickly, the adrenaline ebbing and flowing like the tide. Now, all she felt was an overwhelming sense of impending doom. And quite frankly, it was more than she could handle in her present state of mind.

Quickly inserting his foot in the partially open door, Hotch stilled its onward momentum. "No, Emily. Not until we discuss what happened this morning." He had a mission to complete, and he was not about to leave without making sure that he at least had a chance to be successful.

"Nothing to discuss, Hotch," she said, deliberately distancing herself by using the shortened version of his last name. She had a feeling that she was going to need every barrier that she could erect at this moment. "I already said everything I had to say."

Shaking his head, Hotch countered, "Emily, we both know that you said a whole lot of words equating to absolutely nothing. " Feeling his jaw clench, he added, dark eyes flashing to hers, "No reason. No justification. Nothing."

"Can't we both just go our separate ways and go back to the way things were between us. Before," she offered tiredly, tightening her hand on the edge of the heavy wooden door.

"We both know that's an impossibility, Emily," Hotch declared softly, then glanced around the now-quiet interior hallway. "Let me in. I don't think either one of us wants to put our personal life on display. People are going to be waking up soon. You don't want to have this conversation through an open doorway, do you?"

Measuring his words, Emily had to grudgingly admit that her desire for privacy outweighed all other current needs. Resisting the urge to roll her eyes as she widened the door, Emily replied tightly, "I don't want to have this conversation at all."

Walking past her into her warm, comforting apartment, Hotch asked, his words serious, "Why not?" When Emily merely passed by him, giving him no response, he said with a sigh, "We've never had a problem being honest with each other before now…even when one of us had something to say that the other didn't want to hear."

Glancing over her shoulder, Emily fought to maintain her neutral voice as she replied, "Because it doesn't matter. I told you, Hotch. I'm done."

"And I'm going to ask again, Emily. Why? Why are you done? What changed in the four hours we were asleep?" Hotch asked, seeing the drawn look on her face, the tightening of her lips. For a split second, he remembered the look of relaxation that had been on her face just a few hours prior, the comparison unsettling.

"Why does it matter? I made a decision. We both knew that whatever we were doing wasn't going to go on forever. It doesn't matter what the reason was," Emily argued, turning away from him, needing the separation if she was going to maintain her defense. God, it hurt to look in his eyes when she could remember seeing those same eyes filled with passion.

"It matters because none of this makes any sense to me," Hotch sighed, taking a short step toward her, barely resisting the urge to reach a hand. "Emily, look at me. It matters. This matters."

Turning sharply, Emily bit back a groan as she saw the truly perplexed look on his face. All this was to him was another puzzle his regimented mind needed to solve. In his world, he wanted everything to have sharp, crisp edges, to fit into a pre-defined box for easy storage. And this was a mess. And she knew, if there was one thing Hotch couldn't stand it was a mess in the middle of his world. Shaking her head at him, she bit out, "Can't we just put this down to incompatibility and move on, Hotch?"

"We BOTH damn well KNOW that one's a lie," Hotch said in that low even voice of his, with a slight cock of his head. Years of experience had taught him to easily identify when another person was avoiding the truth, and he could recognize the signs in Emily's words and demeanor right now. And a small part of him fought down the hurt that she would feel the need to lie to him, especially now. Cocking an eyebrow, he added, "A word of advice, Emily, tell the truth. You're never going to win any awards for acting."

"Thank you for the words of wisdom," Emily replied caustically, narrowing her eyes at him. Why couldn't he just GO? At this point, all she wanted, desperately, was for him to leave her alone with her pain, to suffer in silence. Why couldn't he allow her to lick her wounds and find a way to pick up the pieces of her life and move on?

"I don't understand why you're suddenly so angry. I thought things were going well between us." Sighing, he shook his head as he started, his words methodical, "I know you, Emily, and…"

Lifting her head to nail him with a penetrating stare, she warned, her lips tightening, "Don't you dare profile me, Hotch. Not now!"

"Then talk to me," he urged, single-mindedly, the feeling that his whole world hung precariously in the balance increasing with each word she spoke.

"I don't want to talk, Hotch. I want you to go. To forget this…we…ever happened," she whispered unevenly, fighting for control, as she forced the words off her tongue.

"I can't do that. Not again," he said firmly, resolved that no matter what she said, he wouldn't simply walk away without a fight…without her knowing how he felt. He had made that mistake once before, and he liked to believe that he was intelligent enough to learn from his imperfections. And a part of him had to admit that he honestly couldn't imagine his life without this wonderful woman in it.

"What do you mean 'not again', Hotch? We've never done this before," Emily retorted shortly, latching on to his words as her addled mind tried to sort his possible meanings.

"I'm not being clear here," Hotch sighed, dropping his chin to his chest and staring at his shoes. Hell, he was making a jackass of himself and he hadn't even really said anything yet. So much for eloquence. How could he make her understand how important she was to him if he couldn't verbalize the need?

"You don't need to be clear, Hotch. What you need to do is leave," Emily muttered, heading toward the front door with every intention of ejecting him from her apartment. No matter what her heart was telling her, she knew that she couldn't allow him to stay one moment longer if she had any hope of recovering from this travesty.

Seeing her tortured face as she moved past him, Hotch surrounded her arm in a gentle grip, needing to keep her close to keep hope alive. "Emily, please. Talk to me."

"There's nothing to say here, Hotch," Emily said, swallowing hard as she met his confused gaze. The feel of his hand against her skin burned, almost branding his print into her body and soul. This could not happen. "It was never going to work. I can see that clearly now. And I refuse to waste anymore time." Casting a pointed look to her arm, Emily ordered, harshly, "Let me go."

Shaking his head, Aaron tugged her toward the sofa. He had the distinct feeling that if he let her go, then he knew that he would lose her forever. Wracking his mind, he decided the easiest place to start would be the ending of their last conversation. "Not until we talk, Emily. You accused me of not being broken until you slept with me. I think the least you could do is explain that remark."

Closing her eyes, Emily felt a wave of pain wash over her, the memories of those last moments with him too much for her fragile soul to handle. Whispering roughly, she replied, "Look, Hotch, I said that in the heat of the moment. Just let it go."

"I can't do that. You expect me to just walk away meekly after saying something like that? Does that sound like me, Emily?" he asked somberly, gently rubbing the pad of his thumb against the cool skin of her forearm. Shaking his head, he added, intent on getting the answers he needed, "Something happened last night. I know I did something. I said something to hurt you. Tell me, damn it!"

Hearing the stark determination in his words, Emily smiled grimly as she remembered similar moments in shared interrogations. This must be what their unsubs felt like, she thought almost dispassionately. Hotch was like a panther stalking his quarry. He was purely relentless in the pursuit of his prey.

And she knew in that instant, nothing less than full disclosure was going to appease him.

"You sure you want to do this, Aaron?" Emily asked quietly, reverting to his first name, but still refusing to meet his eyes. A part of her had to remain protected, hidden, from his piercing gaze.

"Want? No, I don't want to do this. I WANT to go back to last night and not screw up in the first place," Hotch answered her quickly, not giving her a chance to respond as he continued, "But, in order to repair whatever damage I did, I NEED to do this. I need you to talk to me. Explain to me what happened."

Those words seemed to penetrate deeper into her soul, his tone assuring her that he was not speaking empty phrases meant to tickle her ears. But that still didn't remove the misery flooding her soul. Raising eyes filled with despair to his, she reminded softly, "Just keep in mind, you asked for this."

"Just talk to me, sweetheart," Hotch said, lifting a hand to thumb a lone tear from her cheek that hand managed to make an escape. The rarity of her tears spoke volumes to him, and he felt a deep clench in the pit of his stomach as he realized that her wounds, the wounds he had caused, were far deeper than he had first thought.

"You …You…You called for her," Emily confessed, the words falling over themselves as she finally found her voice enough to tell him the truth.

"For who?" Hotch asked, furrowing his dark brows in confusion as he met her honest gaze.

Raising her chin, Emily felt her spine straighten as she stared into his darkened eyes. Pulling her hand away from his touch, she crossed her arms over her chest as she said, deceptively calm, ""You called for Haley."


	4. Chapter 4

**LIES I TOLD MYSELF**

**Chapter 4**

"What? Why?" Hotch asked, eyes widening in surprise as he stumbled for one word questions. And even that was a stretch for the dark man sitting next to Emily Prentiss, his mind unable to comprehend anything beyond the last thing she had said.

Surely he had not said his ex-wife's name in the middle of the night. Surely.

"You tell me, Aaron," Emily frowned, watched as his face closely. A man couldn't fake that kind of shock, could he? And that was the only way she could currently describe the expression that settled over his face. Pure unadulterated shock.

"Em-Emily, I'm not sure what you thought you heard, but-" Hotch began, stuttering uncharacteristically, automatically denying what he was sure she couldn't have heard. His heart was full of Emily Prentiss, and while he still cared for his ex-wife and wanted to maintain some semblance of a healthy relationship with her, he could honestly say that he'd ceased being 'in love' with Haley long before Emily Prentiss looked his way.

His internal code of morality mixed with justice wouldn't have allowed for any other options.

"I know what I heard, Aaron," Emily whispered, shaking her head as she mentally relived that horrible moment. Almost bitterly, she snapped out softly, "Don't try to convince me that I'm imagining things. I was there. I was awake. And I know what rolled off your lips."

"Maybe you did," Aaron conceded on a sigh, his eyes never leaving hers. Somehow, something had gone wrong in his psyche if he muttered such a name in his sleep, especially when the woman he truly loved was lying right next to him. How could his mind have even allowed such a connection?

"There is no maybe to it. I heard what you verbalized," Emily whispered, pulling back slightly, his nearness almost too much to comprehend. Emotionally, she knew that she was still too close to the proverbial edge, and she needed distance if she was going to be able to maintain her sense of equilibrium in the middle of this raging storm.

"Okay, Emily, I believe you," Hotch said softly, tightening his grasp on her graceful hand as he felt her twitch against him. No matter what had happened or what was about to happen, he knew that he could not let her leave him, physically or emotionally. Sighing, he wracked his brain for an appropriate explanation, only to arrive at the conclusion that it had to have been a subconscious word spoken in a dream. Softly, he started, needing to voice his thoughts, "But you have to understand –"

"What?" Emily snapped almost violently, trying in earnest to pull away from his grip. "That after making love to me, it's only natural that you'd call out for her in your sleep!" Taking a deep breath, Emily struggled to keep her emotions in check. She needed her control. She needed her objectivity. But most of all, she needed him out of her apartment. Adjusting her thoughts, she said, shifting into an almost clinical detachment, "Look, Hotch. I suppose it was bound to happen sometime. I just wasn't prepared for it last night. You aren't over her. You never got over her."

"Emily, stop!" Hotch pleaded, squeezing her fingers as her words managed to pierce him to the quick. How could she think such a thing when he knew otherwise? The words flew out of his mouth as he said, "There is no comparison between you and Haley, damn it!"

Jerking away from him completely , Emily couldn't help the stricken look that shined from her dark turbulent eyes at that moment. He had just verbalized the one thing that she had always greatly feared.

"Well, thank you, Aaron, for telling me something I was already entirely aware of," she whispered, the pale imitation of her voice filled with a wealth of pain and meaning. Pushing off the couch, Emily retreated woodenly behind the easy chair, needing a barrier to put between herself and the man capable of inflicting such pain on her.

"Damn!" Hotch groaned, running a frustrated hand down his face as sudden realization crashed against him, understanding too late that she had completely misinterpreted his statement. Lifting his apologetic eyes to hers, he shook his head as he said deeply, "Emily, that is not what I meant."

"I think it's exactly what you meant," Emily snapped back, refusing to meet his eyes as she tightened her grip almost painfully on the edge of the chair. Cocking her head, she acknowledged, dispassionately, "And you're also right. Haley and I are worlds apart. In looks, in reactions – "

"You're wrong there," Hotch interrupted forcefully, jumping to his feet as he stared at the beautiful woman who was only mere feet from him. "She ran away from me, too. The difference is that I didn't chase her." Seeing that he wasn't making any inroads into her deeply fortified heart, he couldn't help but feeling his chances start to slip through his fingers. Dropping his head to stare at the luxurious carpet beneath his feet, he muttered, "Christ, I don't know how to say what I need to say. I feel like I'm on the cusp of losing everything all over again and one wrong word will end it all."

"It's already over, Aaron," Emily said quietly, her fingers digging deeper into the leather of the chair in front of her. Mentally reciting over and over, she reminded herself that this was for the best. It was easier to get out now before their lives became so entwined that she couldn't separate quickly. And always, always, always, she reminded herself bitterly, protect yourself at all costs.

"Don't say that! I'm not going to fail with you, too," Hotch ground out, bound and determined to hang on to that small thread of hope.

"It's never been a test," Emily said softly, the pricks growing tighter and tighter in her heart with each word she muttered. "It's just life, Hotch."

"Fine. Then I'm determined not to let my life fly any further out of control than it already has," Hotch stated emphatically, taking a determined step in her direction. Trying to keep the pain out of his voice, but knowing he was probably being unsuccessful, he voiced, "I didn't have any control over Foyet. No control over losing my son…"

"You haven't lost your son, Aaron," Emily said compassionately, her tone softening in spite of her original plans as she watched the pain flutter over his face. "That's temporary," she reminded him gently, taking no joy in hearing him blame himself for something that he could not control.

"That's not the point I'm trying to make here," Hotch said, his shoulders tensing as he took another step in her direction. "What I'm trying to say is that I'm not just going to sit back and watch while I lose you, too."

"It's not me you want, Hotch," Emily said sadly, dropping her eyes once again, the sight of his eyes too much for her to comprehend. "You still want her. You verified as much in your sleep. That may be the only time you allow yourself to want her, but you're still in love with Haley."

In those split seconds, he wondered if he could verbalize his feeling for Haley while making Emily see that they were in the past. Taking a deep breath, he started slowly, hoping that the truth would come out in an understandable manner, "I'll always love Haley. Or rather, I'll always love what I had with her…if only for a little while. She gave me my son, Emily. That's an incredible gift. But she betrayed me. She found someone else and forgot our marriage vows. Then she took our son and walked away. Just moved out while I was gone on a case. No discussion. No anything." Pausing for a moment, he tried to measure the emotions flickering on her face as he added, softly, "So, I can assure you that I ceased being 'in love' with Haley a long time ago."

"You called for her, Aaron," Emily whispered, shaking her head at him resolutely, refusing to allow his words to sink past the iron walls she was firmly building in her soul. "It's obvious you still feel something. Even if you only allow yourself to feel it subconsciously."

"How can you really believe that?" Aaron asked in honest shock, at a loss for words now that he had bared his soul. "After the last few months, how can you believe that?"

"Because I heard it with my own ears," Emily returned flatly, bringing her eyes up to meet his for one last time. "And you don't lie, Hotch."


	5. Chapter 5

**_A/N - Loyal Readers, the finale will be tomorrow. Hope you're still enjoying it. Please review and let me know your thoughts. As ever, we don't own Criminal Minds._**

**LIES I TOLD MYSELF**

**CHAPTER FIVE**

Latching on to the inadvertent opening she'd given him, like a hand clinging to a lifeline, Hotch nodded. "You're absolutely right, Emily. I don't lie." He paused, then added, deeply, " I most especially don't lie to you."

"That's what I just said, Hotch," Emily snapped, wondering if the man in front of her was looking to extend their time together by repeating everything she had to say. If so, she could easily make that line of attack very ineffectual.

"Just hear me out, Emily. Based on your logic, I don't lie and you can believe the words that come out of my mouth, correct?" Hotch asked carefully, feeling his way slowly with the woman that had very quickly surpassed everyone in importance, save his son alone. He knew that, at this moment, the only way to approach her would be to appeal to her logical side, as it was fairly obvious that she was deeply suppressing any emotions.

"Did you take something before you came over here?" Emily asked impatiently as she raised an eyebrow. But then, it wasn't like Aaron to be this deliberate unless he had a really good point, so she reminded herself to be patient for just a few more minutes.

"Perfectly clean and sober," Hotch said seriously, holding up a hand, feeling that this moment was far more important than any trial he had ever testified. "Just stay with me here, okay."

"It's MY apartment. I'M not going anywhere," she added pointedly, waving a quick hand around the room that obviously exemplified her traits.

Genuinely smiling at her barbed comment for the first time of the morning, Aaron focused on Emily's face, willing her to meet his eyes. He needed to look into those deep chocolate orbs as he made his confession. He needed to see her response. He needed to know that even if he'd hoped in vain, that she might return at least a little of what he felt for her. All indications were that she did…but he'd know for sure…he'd know by her eyes.

"Emily, look at me. I need to see you looking at me when I say this," Aaron urged quietly, taking an involuntary step in her direction, drawn to her by the invisible thread that seemed to always connect them.

Lips tightening, Emily lifted her flashing eyes to his, reluctantly meeting his request. "Just say what you have to say, Aaron, and get out."

There was only one thing that he could say at that moment, and Aaron knew that he had to find the best way to get it out. Weighing his options for the barest of moments, he quickly decided that the best way was often the most direct.

"I love you," he told her simply, staring into her face as his words lingered heavily in the air around them.

Those three simple words seemed to reverbate in her mind, a continual chorus as she tried to comprehend. Eyes widening in shock, Emily automatically shook her head in denial even as she stuttered, "Wh-what."

He was pleasantly surprised to find that the words were amazingly simple to say once he'd forced his way past his own fears and insecurities. "I said that I love you. Not Haley. You, Emily."

"N-no," Emily whispered, automatically shaking her head again as she tried to refuse the words. But how could she deny them when she knew she had just heard them come from his very lips? "You-you called for her," she replied hesitantly as she fought for air, reminding herself that she had contradicting testimony. He hadn't just said that. He hadn't just claimed he loved her. It was a trick. A cold, sick trick. And it wasn't funny! It wasn't.

Squaring her shoulders, she snapped her gaze back up to his. "What kind of game are you playing here, Aaron?" she asked sharply, trying to gather her emotional shields around her but finding her fortitude sadly lacking. Somehow, those tiny words had pierced the armor that had served her so well in the past.

"No game, Emily," Hotch said evenly, watching every nuance of her expression. From shock, to joy, to bitter accusatory anger, she'd run the gamut. And he realized that she was trying to find the loophole, to find the way out. And he was going to assure her that no such thing existed. "I don't lie, remember?" he reminded her steadily. "And I never play games. Especially with someone I love."

"You don't love ME!" Emily insisted, jerking her head to the side. "You called for HER!" Damn it, why was he doing this to her? The three words she'd hoped…dreamed…but never allowed herself to believe he'd say to her, and she couldn't trust them because of one other word. Haley. What kind of sick twisted reality was this?

"I don't know why I called her name, Emily," Hotch declared passionately, his hand flashing through the air as he tried to flick that annoying reality away. But he also knew that she needed to know the whole truth, and perhaps it would be what she needed to understand.

"I'll be honest. She was the last thing in my mind last night," he tried to explain as he watched horrified anguish settle over his face. Damn, he realized a moment too late, he had opened that entire explanation with the wrong sentence again. Rushing quickly as she turned sharply to storm from the room, he caught her arm. "Damn it, just stand still and listen to me for a minute! Ask me why, Emily! Ask me why she was the last thing in my mind last night."

Trying desperately to jerk from his grasp, Emily shook her head violently. She couldn't allow herself to be subjected to this inane situation for one minute longer. "I. Don't. Care," she bit out, the knowledge that after making love to her in the night, it was his ex-wife that had been hovering in his thoughts almost too much for her to fathom.

"Yes, you do," Hotch countered quickly, not releasing her. "It's written all over your face just exactly how much you care."

"For all the good it does me," Emily hissed, snapping her eyes shut for a moment, her pain almost palpable. "Fine! Why, Hotch? Why were you consumed with thoughts of your ex-wife after you'd made love to me? Did the guilt finally catch up with you?" she asked waspishly, her intent to hurt him every bit as much as he was hurting her.


	6. Chapter 6

**_A/N - Loyal Readers, here's the last installment to this story. I hoped you enjoyed it and the ending was worth the wait. Let me know. I appreciate the feedback. As ever, I own nothing._**

**LIES I TOLD MYSELF**

**CHAPTER 6**

"Anything but, Emily," Hotch spat, sharply, as he pulled her an inch closer. Sighing, he said, almost bitterly, "Yesterday, Haley made yet ANOTHER phone call to her mother. The U.S. Marshals had to move Jack and her AGAIN. I was lying in bed thinking about how little she ever thinks about the consequences of her actions. Because of her, my son's life is going to be disrupted AGAIN. It's bad enough he's been taken from everything he knows here…but, now, she's just making it worse for him there. Because of her own selfishness. That's the reason I was thinking about her when I closed my eyes. When I'm still, my thoughts go to my son. And whether I like it or not, she's part of him."

For a mere moment, Emily felt as if the floor shifted under her feet, the foundation of her anger crumbling. Face falling as she listened to his words, Emily swallowed. God, regret tasted bitter. And it made sense. It truly made sense. Lifting her eyes to his, she shook her head again. "I don't know what to say," she said softly as she shifted her arm underneath his hand.

"You could start by saying that you believe me. At least where Haley is concerned," Hotch murmured, staring deeply into her eyes. He didn't have to be a profiler to see that she had changed her reaction. "Trust me that much, at least."

"I don't know what to believe anymore," Emily whispered blankly, afraid to believe…terrified that this dream would end and any second, reality would invade and she'd wake up alone in bed, still loving a man she could never truly have.

"Believe me," Aaron urged, giving in to his urges and pulling her into his arms, his need to touch her…to convince her overwhelming everything else.

"I want to," Emily murmured against his chest, burying her face against his shirt as she felt warm capable hands sliding over her back. "You have no idea how much I want to," she breathed, closing her eyes as the slow warmth of hope began to unfurl inside her body.

"I've got a pretty good idea," Hotch whispered against her hair, letting himself be comforted by the familiar vanilla aroma that was uniquely Emily Prentiss. "Emily," he said deeply, hoping his tone conveyed his absolute sincerity, "we both have to let go of our pasts and embrace what's right in front of us. My future with Haley ended the day she took my son from me without a backward glance. I respect her as my son's mother. I'm grateful for the gift she gave me. But that's all there is. I swear to you, that's all there is. You're my present and, I hope, my future. At least you are if you'll allow it."

"I'm going to wake up and this is going to be a dream," Emily whispered, still afraid to believe that this man had said the words he'd uttered. She was completely unable to wrap her mind around the fact that her wishes weren't wishes anymore. They were realities.

"No," Hotch said softly, willing her to understand that the time for dreams and nightmares was over. "You aren't. Neither of us are, Emily," he whispered against her ear.

Feeling his hot breath bathing her neck, Emily found her arms creeping around his waist of their own accord, her brain no longer controlling her body's automatic response to his nearness.

"I know that I haven't done much to make you think that I'm worth the kind of risk that I'm asking for. I've done nothing but take from you, Emily. And I know that I'm being selfish now and asking for more. But I can't let you go without a fight. We're both guilty of lying to ourselves here. For our own foolish reasons."

"Aaron," Emily started, voice hoarse with emotion as she croaked out his name.

"Shhh…I'm trying to apologize here. That's hard enough to do for me without the interruptions. Just let me get it out. I lied to you. Unintentionally. But still a lie. I told you I couldn't offer you anything beyond a physical release and a passable conversation. I'd convinced myself that it was all I had in me to give. I knew it wasn't true then. I knew it wasn't true every time I held you in my arms. Every time I made love to you. But I let you believe it. And that was unforgivable. You deserved so much more than that. Than my lies."

"I lied, too," Emily confessed slowly, her arms tightening around him as she tried to absorb just a little of his strength. "I told you it was okay. That I could be satisfied with what you had to offer. That I didn't need anything else from you. I even had myself believing my lies some days. But it was never true. Not then. And not now."

"Why? Why couldn't you be satisfied, Emily?" Aaron asked carefully as he cradled her in his arms. God, he prayed it was for the reason he hoped it was.

And in that moment, Emily knew that the same three words that he had spoken to her were about to be repeated, this time by her.

"Because I loved you," Emily admitted, her words muffled by his shirt.

Lifting his hands to palm her cheeks, he tilted her face toward him. "Say that again," he ordered softly, hoping he'd heard those words correctly.

Biting her lip uncertainly as she stared up into dark, honest eyes, Emily whispered, her confidence growing with every word, "Because I loved you."

"And now?" he asked, his words barely audible as he held his breath. The past tense of that very important verb signified a world of difference, and he needed to know if they could still have the present and future that he dreamed of.

"I still love you," she whispered, her voice growing in confidence with each word. "I've never stopped loving you. And I'm pretty sure that may be a terminal condition."

Claiming her lips in a passionate tangling of lips and tongues as soon, he whispered, "Then it's a disease we both have. And I pray to God we never find the cure, Emily."

Pulling his head back to hers, Emily lost herself in his kiss as strong arms surrounded her and she felt suddenly weightless as Aaron lifted her in his arms, striding toward her bedroom.

Their movements were frantic as he laid her on the soft mattress of her bed. Clothing dissolved as each of them felt desire overtake them, both anxious to affirm their love in the most elemental of ways. A way that didn't need narration. Didn't need words.

Feeling his warm hands sliding up her naked sides, his touch left warmth in its wake. Wonderful, comforting warmth. Brushing her soft lips to his, Emily sighed as she felt the solid strength of his body against hers. Her hands sought to pull him closer still, desperate for the security his caress brought.

"Emily," he moaned against the sensitive skin of her breast. Worshiping one peak before shifting his appreciation to the other, he raised his dark head to look into her eyes. "You're the only woman in my heart. No one else."

Nodding mutely as his mouth descended to hers, she moaned as he slowly penetrated her body as surely as his softly spoken words had pierced her heart. He was being honest. She could feel it in his touch as his lips danced across her neck and he began the slow sweet dance that waltzed them into fulfillment.

And as she laid drowsily in his arms an hour later, it was _her _name he breathed sleepily in his sleep as he tucked her body closer to his, sheltering her protectively in the cradle of his arms.

**_FINIS_**


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